It’s important to find the reasons, says Mariella Frostrup. Look back to when you were pregnant or soon after your daughter was born for clues
The dilemma I’m a mother to a girl (four) and a boy (two) and I love my son more than my daughter. I know it’s common to love one child more than another, but what bothers me is that my daughter isn’t loved as much as she deserves, and not nearly as much as I would like to love her. I do feel love for her, I’m protective of her and her happiness, and her health and wellbeing are so important to me,
but something is missing and I don’t know how to achieve it, or why it’s happened. When she was born, it took me several weeks to make a meaningful emotional connection with her – unlike with her brother, where it formed as soon as he was put in my arms. I feel like the nature of my relationship with both of them was forever formed right there and then. I hope that I’m wrong.
It makes me feel guilty. She’s a wonderful, kind, intelligent and funny girl that I want to love, but something is blocking my feelings towards her. It breaks my heart. I make an effort to spend one-on-one quality time with her, which we enjoy, but it doesn’t help.
Mariella replies Bravo for your honesty. It’s not easy to accept that your feelings for your children differ and it’s equally challenging to admit it publicly in these censorious times – not that you have anything to be ashamed of. As you say, there are plenty of parents with similar qualms.
I remember, before my second child was born, being terrified I wouldn’t have enough room in my heart for another baby, that somehow my daughter had used up all my emotional bandwidth. When I first laid eyes on my son and found my heart had expanded in that instant to encompass him I was surprised, relieved and reminded that biology is a miraculous thing.
