The table setting has come together beautifully, your home smells of freshly baked rolls, roasted turkey and savory vegetables, and everything seems to be going according to plan. But when the doorbell rings, you tense up a little bit, either subconsciously or fully aware of the dramatic showdown that could happen in your dining room over the next three hours. Somehow, despite the years of effort you’ve put into smoothing out those complicated in-law dynamics — sometimes bending over backward in the name of peace — the tension continues to surface at gatherings.
Why In-Law Relationships Are So Tricky
While one could point to many reasons why in-law relationships are so notoriously difficult to manage, it really boils down to two primary issues: boundaries and expectations.
“Families can have rather strange boundaries,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in relationships. “When an in-law enters a new family situation, he or she inherits those boundaries and the problems associated with those boundaries, [which] can manifest in lots of ways.”
For example, a mother in-law who makes herself at home in her son’s kitchen, a father in-law who gives unsolicited career advice, or in-laws who use money to exert control over a couple. These boundaries are typically entrenched after a lifetime together, which means it’s essentially impossible to reconfigure them — hence the struggle.
