Discovering one’s husband is a porn addict is extremely painful. For many wives, this deep pain is actually the result of a deep emotional traumatic wound. We call this Betrayal Trauma. Trauma is typically defined as an occurrence wherein an individual sees or experiences a risk to their own life or physical safety or that of other people and feels terror, fear, or helplessness. The occurrence might additionally cause confusion, dissociation, and a loss of a feelingof security. Traumatic occurrences test a person’s observationof the world as a secure, just, and predictable place.
It is easy to see how this kind of infidelity can be traumatizing to a wife. The safe and secure life she once had is now gone, and her world is turned upside down. The man she thought she knew thoroughly is now a complete stranger. The marital vows she though he had upheld since their wedding day were actually broken on many occasions. The sacred gift of sexuality she thought they only shared with one another has been desecrated.
Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means (2009) list four general symptoms of trauma related to sexual addiction. Note that there is much overlap among the symptoms:
- Avoidance:here the traumatized wife will avoid activities or other reminders of the traumatic event. Some wives may choose to look at porn with their husbands to avoid conflict and hoping that he will turn to her for sex. Others will avoid sex altogether. Still others will numb their feelings or deny the situation. They will detach from their husbands emotionally.
- Re-experiencing: Recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories of the traumatic event that cannot be controlled. A wife may be plagued with constant thoughts about what her husband has done. These thoughts can consume a person’s energy and intensifies the anxiety.
- Avoidance and Arousal: a wife may ignore her “intuition” or new evidence that her husband is acting out again. On the other hand, she may become hyper vigilant in trying to control her environment. She may try to control when her husband uses the computer, how long and what websites can be accessed.
- Arousal: this is intense emotional pain. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame. Some women have panic attacks and/or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her partner to turn to pornography. The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation. She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt again.
