You’ve heard it all before, so I’m probably not telling you anything new. But in the interests of making sure you know the facts about marital (and long-term relationship) conflicts, I thought I’d say some of it again. This comes from the great self-help online book, Psychological Self-Help (the original one, not the bastardized version that appears elsewhere online).
Many researchers (e.g., Christensen & Jacobson, 2000) believe that most marital differences and arguments are completely reconcilable. The problem lies in the fact that as marriages and relationships degrade into argument, they discussions are laced with criticism and unspoken expectations of one another.
We expect the other person in the relationship to change, not our expectations of them (even though we’re the ones making ourselves unhappy because of our unrealistic expectations). Here’s a simple example from the book:
So how does Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd, author of Psychological Self-Help, suggest couples work on resolving marital conflict?
Resolving Relationship Conflict
1. Emphasize the positive, de-emphasize the negative.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the negative, it just means stop harping on it, day in and day out. Nobody’s perfect and each and every one of us makes mistakes everyday. Are you the person that points out your significant other’s mistakes all the time? Or are you the person who points out all of the positive things in your partner’s life?
