I loved this picture when it was first taken five years ago. Looking at it now, this picture reminds me of a moment in our marriage I try not to think about.
Five years ago, Joseph retired from Federal Express. After 20 years as a Fed Ex courier, he was leaving to enter the New York Court Officer Academy.
This picture was taken at his retirement party. It was a Friday afternoon. I had just gotten my hair done. I was wearing my favorite sleeveless shirt and a white skirt. I had rushed downtown after work to celebrate my husband and this new phase of our lives. I was happy and hopeful.
And while you can’t see it in this picture, I was also 16 weeks pregnant with our second child.
The day Norrin was diagnosed with autism, the doctor told us that we’d be more likely to have another child on the spectrum. And even though Joseph wanted more children, I was scared. I didn’t want another kid with autism.
After a few years, we settled into our role of autism parenting. Norrin progressed. I became less scared. And I decided it was time to try again.
I became pregnant again without much effort. The midwife at my GYN’s office joked, “We hate women like you.” The baby’s due date was January 20th – Norrin’s birthday. I just knew it was a sign, that this baby was meant to be. And I just knew I was going to have a little girl and name her Leia.
On the second day (August 4th) of Joseph’s NY Court Officer training academy, I had my monthly checkup with my Ob-Gyn. When she went to listen for the heartbeat, it couldn’t be heard. My baby had died.
As a cadet in the Academy, Joseph wasn’t allowed to carry his cell phone and I had no way of getting in contact with him. The hours, days, weeks that followed were the darkest of my life. (I told him hours later, after he came home. He couldn’t take any time off to accompany me to the hospital the following day. He couldn’t be there for me, the way he would have if he were still at Fed Ex.)
