When we think about finding someone, falling in love, and settling down, we rarely like to think about one of the possible outcomes of getting married: getting divorced. Divorce is, unfortunately, a real part of some relationships. But there’s a thin line between realism and scaremongering—even though divorce definitely happens, that doesn’t mean it has to happen to you. While you can’t prevent life from getting in the way (and unexpected barriers and obstacles coming up) you can make sure your relationship is as strong as possible to withstand them. And, ideally, that starts way before you even get married.
Although you might imagine that everyone has those big, important relationship conversations before they tie the knot, you’d be surprised how many issues get swept under the carpet or ignored completely. Asking the right questions can start you on the right foot for married life—and help keep divorce at bay. “A lot of people start having these conversations when they’re engaged and then feel like it’s too late,” says marriage therapist Hatty J. Lee.
It’s totally normal to disagree on some issues. The key is facilitating an open and honest conversation. Lee reminds couples that there’s often “something a lot deeper” to the positions people hold. Whether it’s fears surrounding being a good spouse or parent, or fears of conflict, couples need to be able to find ways to identify those fears and nurture security around them. If you still don’t see eye to eye? Don’t panic. “It’s very important to ask, is this a need or is this non-negotiable? Even if you disagree on a lot of it but it’s all negotiable, you can work through that,” she says.
